There is a defining moment in everyone's life that changes who they are forever. Mine happened late February, 1994. I was spending the night at my then-boyfriend's house when my dad showed up, knocking on the door. It was about 4:30 am. A housemate answered the door, came upstairs and said, "Krista, your dad is here." Huh? I went downstairs, and saw my dad standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes. "She's gone," he said. "She's gone."
The loss of my mother forever changed my life. I knew that her death would define how I was as a mother, but until recently, I didn't know how.
I wasn't the nicest kid. Well, that isn't true. I was a bossy kid. I guess I shouldn't say it like that either. I was assertive. I always knew what I wanted and I went for it. Some might say this is a good thing. But I didn't always use this "talent" in a good way. My family is always telling me stories about how I was so bossy, about how I always wanted my way. Being told this as an adult doesn't really make you feel good.
I am not sure if I appreciated my mother enough. Unfortunately I will never know. I know I made her proud, but did I tell her enough just how amazing and beautiful she was? Did I even feel that way before she died? Because after she died I sure felt it. But it was too late.
After she died my outlook on the world changed. I took things, and continue to take things, day by day. I watch the sunset. I light candles. I like to create peace. I volunteer. I want to make the world a better place. I appreciate the beauty around me. I want family.
I don't know if I did any of this before she died. But if I did, it did it differently.
The loss of my mother forever changed my life. I knew that her death would define how I was as a mother, but until recently, I didn't know how.
I wasn't the nicest kid. Well, that isn't true. I was a bossy kid. I guess I shouldn't say it like that either. I was assertive. I always knew what I wanted and I went for it. Some might say this is a good thing. But I didn't always use this "talent" in a good way. My family is always telling me stories about how I was so bossy, about how I always wanted my way. Being told this as an adult doesn't really make you feel good.
I am not sure if I appreciated my mother enough. Unfortunately I will never know. I know I made her proud, but did I tell her enough just how amazing and beautiful she was? Did I even feel that way before she died? Because after she died I sure felt it. But it was too late.
After she died my outlook on the world changed. I took things, and continue to take things, day by day. I watch the sunset. I light candles. I like to create peace. I volunteer. I want to make the world a better place. I appreciate the beauty around me. I want family.
I don't know if I did any of this before she died. But if I did, it did it differently.
So why am I saying all of this? I am afraid. I don't know how to teach these life-lesson's to Melia that I learned the hard way. How do I make her appreciate the world around her? How do I get her to not take things for granted? How do I get her to have a love for life? An appreciation for family? How do I teach her these things when I don't have my own mother to tell me how to do it?
Melia is assertive- I am sure you recall me saying in a previous post where Melia's daycare provider said "Melia has managerial qualities to her." That is just great. Like mother like daughter. If my mom were alive she would say "it serves you right." She'd be kidding of course, well, sort of. I don't want Melia to grow up telling people they can or can't play baseball. I want her to be empathetic, to feel joy, to be proud. I want to be a good role model. If I die too early, I want her to remember these lessons, and know that it was because I loved her.
As a family, you can often find us watching the changing colors of the sunset or looking up at the starry sky; we go for lots of walks, sometimes spending an hour just getting to the end of the block; we teach gentleness with the cats; we cook together, looking softly at the textures and colors of food; we light candles and turn on music during dinner; we sing and we dance. I guess this is a start, right?
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